Literally

This picture represents the pain in my neck. Yes, my 48 year-old neck has apparently given way to holding up my big head. Years of sitting at my desk and working on computers apparently has made my neck scrunch like a “Slinky”.

No trauma. No injury. Professional sitting is squishing my spine.

Out of the blue about a month ago came a sharp, shooting pain, followed by sleepless nights of tossing and turning. Thinking it must be the way I was sleeping, new pillows were purchased. But there was no relief.

Soon I decided something serious was going on so I went to the doctor who took these pictures.

Diagnosis: Severe Neck Disease. Now, off to the neck specialist.

Reading up on all of the possibilities, I know that this pain probably won’t last forever at the current levels if I change the way I sit while I work, start exercising more and get some physical therapy. That’s the good news.

The bad news? None really. Except for my newly wedded wife, who apparently just bought some damaged goods. I’m pretty sure I was an “As-Is” purchase item.

In preparing for the “party” that’s coming up soon, I’ve been working on some decorations with Aracely. It’s been fun. She’s had her projects and I’ve had mine and we collaborate here and there.

One of the things she wanted to do was to make candle holders out of wine bottles. So, I got a diamond wheel for my Dremel and proceeded to cut the bottoms off of a few bottles and here were the results.

Then, this last week, I was thinking about the themes I wanted portrayed at our party. One of these is “butterflies”. Aracely loves them and they have significance for her. I have grown to appreciate the “butterfly” story (as I like to call it) that I’ve experienced as I have seen myself go through stages in my life over the past 7 years and have emerged from the cocoon I was in at one time. Aracely is a part of that process.

So, over a year ago I started drawing “manly” butterflies and eventually got a tattoo of one to symbolize my own metamorphosis and to commemorate my commitment to the love of my life. This past week, I made a stencil of this drawing and began using it on decorations in the house. Most recently, I decided it might look nice on the wine bottles. Using the stencil, I took some frosting spray paint and used them on the bottles. Here’s what it looks like.

I don’t have a picture of them with candles yet, but will add them later. It’s all coming along nicely and I will post up the finished products for our party as they are finished and if they turn out well.

The only thing I’ve been thinking about lately is the day I will finally be able to stop working. I am looking forward to the time when I get up in the morning and I get to just do what I want to do. No schedule. No expectations. No rush.

Now this doesn’t mean I don’t expect I will be doing anything. I just want the option not to work. Is that too much to ask?

For me, my plan is to retire at 65 years of age. That’s 17 more years of the daily grind before I can stop working. But, I have no complaints about my current daily grind. None whatsoever. It’s not like I dig ditches for a living in the hot sun. I’m very fortunate to get paid well and work with people I enjoy being around in a field that is challenging.

The other day I did an online retirement calculator that said I would need 2.5 million dollars to retire at 65 and live until I was 85. That would be nice, however that’s not going to happen. At this rate I might end up in the poor house.

But Aracely and I have a plan and I’m sure I will lay it out here and there as we progress towards fulfilling our goals together. We’ve got a long way to go, but so far we are enjoying the journey.

This title flashed in my head this morning for the book I am forever writing about the journey I’ve been on for the past several years. It will be a good book if I ever finish it. I might just share it here in blog form and consolidate it into a book someday or I might not. I’m not sure yet.

I think my children should know about this journey that has consumed a major part of my life. I know directly or indirectly it will effect them.

Back to the title. This morning I was thinking about how “lost” I must seem spiritually to my friends and family back home and many of the people that have known me in California (especially the “church years”). In the black and white world I grew up in where righteousness and sin were so clearly defined, I certainly know where I fall on that spectrum.

Sinner party of one.

My journey to losing faith in God started when I begin seeing that there was a whole world outside the black and white bubble where I grew up and continued to live. This gray world that I could not compartmentalize into “right or wrong” needed me to choose sides in the fight between good and evil lest I be perceived as a lukewarm believer. Now if you are like my girlfriend who didn’t grow up in the evangelical church and just read that last sentence and have no idea what I am talking about, then count yourself as one of the lucky ones. You can skip the rest and go watch cute kitten videos on YouTube.

When I was a pastor, I transitioned from teaching the black and white absolutes as I matured and begin teaching that it was in the gray that God was found. The prodigal son found him there as did the woman at the well. I felt this “God is in the Gray” message was one filled with grace and hope for those who were struggling with the life they were living. And it is, until you realize that the gray is not where God wants you to stay. In my opinion, the God of the Bible is very black and white. From what I understood he does not like the color gray. He’ll tolerate it for a while, but ultimately he demands that you make a choice.

That’s where God began to lose me or I began to lose him. Doesn’t matter who lost who I guess. I began to see that if God didn’t want to hang out in the gray with me, then I’d quit trying to make him stay.

My friend Ben Brough is an inspiration to me. I’ve known Ben for over ten years and watched him develop as an artist and his legend just continues to grow.

You can see his influence here and this might be a pure knock-off, but if so it’s a very poor one. I found a sketch in my office after we moved. I ‘m sure it’s something I drew after seeing some of Ben’s work. This painting is based on that sketch.

It started with a nature scene of the beach, waves and sky. Then I just decided we needed a group photo. My “happy skull” dudes didn’t want to miss the party and of course hang out with some babes at the beach. Live it up while you can boys!

I had a long piece of leftover wood that looked perfect for a painting. I painted it white, then black, then a mixture of white and black. No clue what to do with it at all… until today.

Lately as I doodle, I’ve been sketching skulls. Cartoon skulls mostly and I always had them smiling.

The phrase popped into my head today… “Turn a frown upside down”.

So there you have it.

I was looking for some pictures of Buddha statues and drawings and came across one I wanted to paint. This Buddha looks very content which is a very important goal for me.

Part of contentment is enjoying the process. That’s my goal for my art as well as my life.

This painting also has several layers of color, but green is what I kept coming back to for the dominant color since for me it symbolizes peace and contentment. I imagine this Buddha is in the midst of deep meditation, completely relaxed and in a state of openness and awareness.

This one took several weeks. I used several colors, over and over just trying to get the right feel. If I didn’t like something, I’d completely paint over her and then wash it away and a new image seemed to emerge.

I’m trying to just enjoy the process now, and not get caught up in perfection. I used to paint, try to be perfect and if I didn’t like something, I would throw it away. On her, the imperfections work to my advantage.

I’m never satisfied. I didn’t paint this painting as much as it just evolved off the canvas.

]]> http://thestevechastain.com/?feed=rss2&p=257 0 http://thestevechastain.com/?p=239 http://thestevechastain.com/?p=239#comments Sat, 03 Sep 2011 00:34:00 +0000 Steve Chastain http://thestevechastain.com/?p=239

The spiritual journey is not about heaven and finally getting to a place that’s really swell. In fact, that way of looking at things is what keeps us miserable.  ~ Pema Chodron

Think about your life and how it ebbs and flows.

We’ve all been touched by the dramatic, the amazing, the painful and the static. The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.

Birth. Death. Mortality. Re-birth.

Regrets. Second chances.

Love…. given and rejected.

Love… given and returned a million times over.

Life is amazing and I am in the midst of the best part of my life.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Someone replied to my comment on Pascal’s Wager (see my previous post) and here’s what they had to say:

With regard to points one and three, no, that’s simply not correct. Read up on Pascal and what he meant, and more importantly, how he lived.

He would literally place bets with people. He would challenge them to live the life of a devout Christian for periods of time. Why? Because he was so convinced that living the devout life of faith was the absolute best to way to live in the here and now that any skeptic or unbeliever would come to faith simply by living that life.

You can’t get the full power of the wager from a wiki article. You’ve got to study the man who actually made the wager to fully understand it.

Here is my reply:

I didn’t create my reply simply on the wiki article. I referenced Tony’s link to the wiki article.

At any rate, the “devout life of faith” (whatever that means) that I lived for over 30 years led me to a life of complete unbelief… for whatever that’s worth.

You can’t get the full power of someone, or their life or knowledge of a subject, from a single comment. You’ve got to study the man who actually wrote it to fully understand it.

Let me elaborate.

First of all, he is correct. I am not an expert on Pascal. I have studied the man and read about him years ago in philosophy, but I would agree that I am limited to a high level view of his theories. However, I do not think this negates my comment especially based on the second paragraph.

He would literally place bets with people. He would challenge them to live the life of a devout Christian for periods of time.

Again I am not sure what it means to “live the life of a devout Christian” but having played that role, I assume it involves such spiritual disciplines as Bible study, prayer, worship, fellowship with other believers, fasting and other activities of the “devout”. As I stated before, this is challenging someone to pretend to have a belief that they do not hold in the hopes that such “role playing” will lead them to conclude that the object of their feigned devotion is legitimate.

Does the phrase “fake it till you make it” sound familiar to anyone?

The arrogance of Pascal’s Wager is that a life without faith or belief in God is unhappy and unfulfilling. So much so that even faking devotion to a God you don’t believe in is better than living a life that is honest and true to one’s self. The self-righteousness of “the wager” is actually pretty staggering.

I’m actually amazed at the arrogance of most who hold steadfastly to any belief system while excluding most, if not all, others. This includes myself for most of my life as a Christian and pastor. I truly think I meant well at the time. But as a wrote to a friend this evening:

Christian’s are so self-righteous sometimes that they can’t fully understand how idiotic they sound until they stop believing.

How crazy would Pascal’s Wager sound to my Christian friends in reverse?

Let’s call it Chastain’s Wager! I challenge any Christian reading this to give it a try if they dare.

I challenge you to live the life of a devout unbeliever for a period of time. I am convinced that living the devout life of reason is the absolute best way to live in the here and now that any believer would come to reason simply by living that life.